Duty ... courage ... honor
Unwavering dedication cost Marine more than he could bear
By Carl Hunnell
T-F staff
MANSFIELD -- Michael Stover didn't cry.
As a child, he lost a tear duct when a friend whacked him in the head with a snowshovel. He told
his older brother and sister that's why he didn't shed tears, even when he did his usual crazy
childhood things like fall from trees or flip over bicycle handlebars.
As an adult, Stover was a U.S. Marine Corps officer, charged with the safety, lives and success
of more than 400 other Marines at war in Iraq.
Strong Marine Corps warriors don't cry, no matter how much things hurt. They don't reach out in
times of personal need. Marines never retreat. For more than two centuries, they have instead
held the line at places like Iwo Jima, Guadalcanal and Belleau Wood.
Semper Fi.
Always faithful.
But faced with personal problems no one could see, problems he couldn't overcome and for which
he refused to seek help, Stover found his own solution.
On June 3, Stover, 43, took his own life, midway through his second deployment deep inside
the war-torn Middle East country.
It ended his own pain, but left behind heartache for family and friends literally around
the world. Those who knew and loved him will gather this afternoon at a funeral home in Ontario.
They will embrace and console one another.
They will talk about the Marine and the man they loved.
They will seek answers.
Today, they will bury him in a national cemetery with a final salute.
Most of all, they will cry for the warrior who could never find a way to cry for himself.
Duty ... courage ... honor
No one could ever say Michael Stover shirked his duty, lacked courage or failed in his
commitments -- the Marine Corps' core values.
The 1980 Malabar High School graduate enlisted in the Marine Corps immediately after high
school, much to the chagrin of his parents, veteran FBI agent LaVern "Smokey" and Doris
Stover, who thought college was his best option. His parents recognized his love of reading
and literature and knew he would make an outstanding collegian.
But the fact Stover joined the Corps didn't come as a surprise to his older brother and
sister, who watched their baby brother grow up craving adventure as much as he did
book knowledge.
"His nickname was Monkey as a kid because he was always falling out of trees, breaking his arm, riding bicycles and flying over the handlebars and ending up in hospitals," said Cheryl (Stover) Meister, 49. "Anything that was exciting or extreme, Michael had to be involved in."
Stover was an outdoorsman, rising to the rank of Life Scout in the Boy Scouts. He wrestled in junior high and high school and lifted weights constantly, looking for ways to push himself. "He really didn't like formal (team) sports. He lifted a lot. He rode his bicycle long distances. He was into a lot of physical activities that challenged him as an individual," said his brother, Edward "Al" Stover, 45.
Stover, a 5-foot-9, 185-pound rock of a man, was also an excellent student and could have earned academic scholarships to college. But the Corps offered the kind of test that seemed a natural next step for a strong young man eager to push his own physical and mental limits.
"Ironically, (his decision) became both of our parents' proudest things," his brother said. "He communicated frequently with all of us with calls and letters, letting us know how he was doing. He kept in touch with all of us."
After earning his spot in the Corps at Parris Island, Stover found his childhood eye injury prevented him from pursuing his dream job in Marine aviation. Undeterred, he instead found a way to use his love of reading and writing by accepting a job in public affairs.
He was trained at the Defense Information School, where he learned to communicate the Marine Corps story to others. Stover did a tour with the Fleet Hometown News Center in Norfolk, Va., the office which sends out press releases on Marine achievements.
He worked with a Marine aircraft unit operating out of Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, D.C. He worked in the Marine Corps Recruiting Station in St. Louis, where he helped convince young men and women that a career in the Corps was a great option. Along the way, Stover fell in love for the first time -- with the Marine Corps.
"I don't think he ever entered the military with the thought of making it a career," Edward Stover said. "But because of his youthfulness, he chose to (enlist) ... before he went to college to see what he really wanted to do. I think he intended to get out after his first enlistment.
"But he grew to love it so much he decided that if he was going to stay in, he should become an officer and a leader."
Becoming a leader
Stover accepted a Naval Reserve Officers Training Corps Marine Option scholarship. He was released from active duty to attend The Ohio State University in September 1986. A few years later than his parents intended, he was finally a college student.
He chose to major in journalism in Columbus. But the degree could have been in anything as far as Stover was concerned. He just needed the diploma.
"He wanted his degree so he could become an officer," his brother said. "It really didn't matter what the degree was in. It was the step to becoming a leader."
That leadership was apparent even as a college student. Working as a resident assistant in a freshman dorm, Stover made his presence known.
"It was nice coming down to OSU as an 18-year-old freshman and having a 26-year-old RA heavy on the discipline. Mike had already done four years in the Marines, so he let very little slip by. He was always a good source of information and was kind of an 'older brother' to many of us," one of his former students at Nosker House said in an e-mail to the News Journal this week.
The same former student described an incident in which Stover caught freshmen hosting a party that included three kegs of beer. "I spent the next quarter on probation. I tell that story to this day (obviously) as looking back it was a great time. Mike was a good friend -- I hadn't seen him since 1997 -- but he was a great guy to be around," he said.
Commissioned in 1990 as a Marine Corps second lieutenant at age 28, Stover set off to conquer the world and serve his country. He worked at Camp Lejuene, N.C., as a logistics officer in an engineer support battalion, serving as a platoon and later company commander. His knowledge and education and love for life served him well as he worked with young Marines.
But a military career is a nomadic existence. No officer stays still for long. The Marine Corps matched Stover's burning desire for adventure by sending him in pursuit of it. Long work days blended into long work nights. Time off was a luxury he could not afford, or seek.
In the mid-1990s, now-Capt. Stover served as logistics officer for the 8th Marines and a Marine landing team, attending the Amphibious Warfare School along the way. Marines have become legendary for "hitting the beaches," and Stover learned his craft well.
In 1998, he reported to the Marine Corps Reserve Center in Concord, Calif., where he served as an Inspector-Instructor for a Landing Support Battalion. A hard charger, Stover was promoted to major in 2000 and was sent to Hawaii, where his ability to educate, motivate, counsel and lead other Marines continued to be honed.
But he was also learning there was a price to pay for his extreme devotion to duty. His first marriage in 1990 ended in failure less than 10 years later. He wasn't there when his mother died unexpectedly in 1999. He wasn't at home when his father died in 2003.
Life rolled on even if he was too absorbed with his commitment to duty to play an active part.
Stover did return home for his nephew's high school graduation. He managed to get home to visit his father in the nursing home. But those kinds of trips home likely only made him long even more for family and friends.
"The night before his plane left (after visiting his dad in 2003), it had to be one of the hardest things he did in his life, because knowing when he said goodbye it would be the last time he would ever see his father," Meister said, her voice breaking. "We got Mike on the phone with us in the room the night Dad died ... he was there with us, even if it had to be over a telephone."
Off to war -- twice
In 2004, Stover reported to Marine Wing Support Squadron 371in Yuma, Ariz., where he served first as operations officer and then as executive officer. Married a second time with a young stepson at home, Stover's devotion to the Marine Corps, his first love, still consumed him.
"To be honest, work was his life," said Lt. Chris Kaprielian, who served under Stover in the operations office in Yuma. "We all worked really long hours, but he was there before anyone else and stayed even later. I never knew anyone who worked as hard as he did. He would just press and press and press.
"He was like a father to the (operations) section. The amount of knowledge he brought in was incredible," Kaprielian said. "Like a father, he looked out for all of us. Like a father, he was very demanding."
The squadron was deployed to Iraq in February 2005 for a seven-month tour of duty. But even as Stover cared for and led his 400-plus Marines in a war zone, his personal life continued to unravel.
His second wife of about one year told him she was leaving him, going back to college in Colorado and sending her young child to live with her parents in Japan. It was a terrible blow to a man whose entire life was loyalty, honor, duty, courage and commitment.
His brother, a retired major in the Ohio Air National Guard whose own wife had left him while he served in Germany during Operation Desert Storm, understood it too well.
"I think unfortunately today a lot of the values he had, the integrity, the devotion to his job, it's hard to find somebody who understands that. Not only who understands it, but tolerates it," Edward Stover said.
"I don't think people back home understand ... everyone talks about the ultimate sacrifices, but they don't understand the little sacrifices that take place every day," his brother said. "They don't understand what it's like for a soldier to not be there for a child's birthday, for the holidays, for their parents' illnesses, as well as their deaths."
Stover finished his tour with the 371 and returned home to Yuma in September. But it was a bitter homecoming. The wife and a stepson he loved as his own were gone. But even as he tried to come to grips with his personal problems and losses, the Marine Corps summoned him again.
A similar Marine Wing Support Squadron, the 374 in Twentynine Palms, Calif., needed an executive officer. The unit was set to deploy to Iraq in February 2006 and it desperately needed a solid second-in-command to prepare the Marines for war.
The man it needed was Maj. Stover.
Temporarily assigned in October, Stover began frequently making the almost 300-mile drive from Yuma to Twentynine Palms to work with his "new" unit. At first, he believed it would only be until a new permanent executive officer was located.
Still, the long trips back and forth required Stover to seek his brother's help with his dog, the only family he had left at home. "He called me when he was driving back and forth so much to say he couldn't take care of his dog appropriately." Ed Stover said. "He asked if there was any way I could watch it. I told him it was no problem. He said, 'It's getting to the point where I can't even keep a dog.'"
It soon became clear to Stover these Marines would need him in Iraq. Home for just a few months, he was being sent back to war, this time with young men and women he barely even knew.
"He told me, 'It's my job. If I don't go, young Marines will be dying. I can go and prevent their deaths,' " Meister said.
Had Stover told his superiors of his personal issues, perhaps they would have allowed him to withdraw from this second deployment in less than a year. An officer with his impeccable record and ability certainly would have earned that kind of consideration.
But Stover didn't cry, he didn't complain and he didn't seek help. A Marine, he did his duty.
The final days
Stover and his new unit arrived in Iraq in February, stationed at an airbase in Al Anbar Province in the western part of the country. He was quickly immersed into the daily routine of Marine Corps life -- ensuring the safety of his Marines while making sure the mission was accomplished.
In April, however, his personal life intruded again. The finalized divorce papers arrived, making official a broken partnership he had mistakenly hoped could somehow be saved. It was becoming clear to him his wife was gone and so was his beloved stepson.
At 43, the Marine who had spent his life in search of adventure and service to his country and to others found himself horribly alone. Even surrounded by the fellow Marines to whom he had devoted his life, Stover must have felt a loneliness few can imagine. Even frequent e-mails to and from his brother and sister back in Mansfield couldn't ease the pain.
"I personally think there was a tug-of-war between the Marine Corps, which he grew to love, and the responsibilities of duty, honor and country that he couldn't give up, and the want for a family and the loss of a family that he wanted so deeply," Edward Stover said.
The major was torn between his overwhelming sense of duty to the Corps and his growing desire to have a life outside of the Corps.
In early May, Stover made a decision that he hoped would ease his mind. He informed his commanding officer, Lt. Col. Phillip Woody, that he would decline a promotion to lieutenant colonel and with it the opportunity to return to Camp Lejuene to work with young Marines, an opportunity he craved.
Instead, Stover decided it was time to retire at the end of 2006, after completing his mission with the 374. In an e-mail to his CO with the 371 less than a month before his suicide, Stover wrote, "It's been a tough decision, and is not a knee-jerk decision, something I've been debating with myself for almost the last year. ... I know in my heart that it is the right decision. ... I want to stick this deployment out. I couldn't ask for a better twilight than to go out at the squadron level with 371 and 374."
In his e-mails, Stover said he had hoped the promotion selection board "would make my decision for me" by not choosing him for promotion, a move that would have forced his retirement. Instead, his first love wanted to extend its relationship with him, forcing him to be the one to say no.
"He felt very guilty," said Edward Stover. "He felt his colonel would be mad at him."
Rather than ease his mind, Stover's decision to retire created a deep sense of guilt. He felt he was turning his back on the military family he loved even while he had no civilian family to call his own.
Rather than a sense of relief, his own feelings of loneliness must have only deepened to the point he could no longer stand it. Stover, a frequent e-mailer to family and friends, stopped communicating with his brother and sister in late May.
He had made his decision. Regardless of the demons and problems he faced, Stover had found a way out from his pain.
On June 3, deep inside Iraq, Maj. Michael D. Stover ended his personal torment by killing himself.
The aftermath
Ed Stover was cooking inside his Mansfield home last Saturday night when two Marines arrived at his front door to deliver the horrible news.
It was a job that Maj. Stover himself had done as a Marine Corps enlisted man. More than any other branch of the Armed Forces, Marines look out for their own during such times of loss.
After hearing the news, Stover rode with the Marines to inform his sister that their younger brother was dead and that he had taken his own life. Their "baby brother," the man who sought adventure and challenge, was gone.
"I saw the two Marines ... no one needed to tell me anything," Meister said.
As they struggled with their grief, a letter arrived Monday that Stover had sent prior to killing himself.
It didn't spell out his plans, but it was clear what he had in mind. He asked his brother to continue to care for his dog. It informed them where his assets and lockers were and directed them how to proceed.
It was clear to Edward Stover that his brother, who made a career out of planning, had not acted in haste.
"I think he pretty much planned it out," Stover said. "He mailed the letter in a timely manner so it would get here right after the fact, not a week after or two weeks after or before."
Woody, who accompanied Stover's body back to Mansfield for the funeral, is among those trying to make sense of the death. "Any time a warrior of this caliber comes up with a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it cannot be explained," he said. "Major Stover will be missed.
"You will see on Monday former commanding officers, executive officers and men and women he served with will be flying in and driving in from Hawaii, California and Arizona to pay their respects. Four lieutenants took personal leave to drive across the country to Ohio to be here. That's an indication of what a great warrior and leader he was," Woody said.
By Thursday, Stover and Meister were still coming to grips with their loss and trying to understand it.
"I'm not angry at my brother ... I'm angry at the circumstances," Stover said. "He took a lot of hopes and wishes away from me, but they were my hopes and wishes (for him), not his."
Meister said, "I am very angry at him. I feel like I am his big sister ... I should have been there to put my arms around him and tell him everything was going to be OK."
But it's unlikely Stover would have ever acknowledged a need for help.
"You have to realize that the Marine Corps is the most macho of any of the (armed) services," Ed Stover said. "There are some other circumstances that probably had an effect or an impact on this. The guys he was with (in Iraq) weren't his guys. Because of the macho culture, I don't believe he would have ever talked to anybody about the problems he was having.
"He probably could have said something (about his personal problems) before he was deployed a second time, but he would never do that," Stover said.
His brother feels the Marine was a casualty of war just as surely as if he had died in combat.
"Because of his quiet core professionalism, he did what he thought he had to do and he did it beyond what he could handle. I believe he thought he could handle it," Ed Stover said.
Woody said, "Just because Major Stover took his own life doesn't mean he's not a victim of the global war on terror. Whatever demons and problems he was wrestling with, they don't make him any less of a man or any less of a hero."
Meister said, "He's still my hero. ... He went to Iraq twice."
The message
By talking openly about their brother's death, Stover and Meister hope others can learn and benefit from the tragedy.
"Two things I would tell (military family members) ... to tell their family members ... thank them for all the little sacrifices they do daily," Ed Stover said. "Because I don't think anybody ever tells them that. And I think in some way they wish someone would acknowledge those. And to stay in touch as often and frequently as they can, either by e-mail, mail or phone if possible. If something were to happen where that communication would stop, to try to get around that individual and find out why.
"If people get to the point where their anguish or heartache gets to be greater than their hope, (tell them) that they (should) look for help somewhere," he said.
Meister remains fiercely proud of her little brother.
"Be proud of (the soldiers). Know that they are over there putting their life on the line every day ... unselfishly ... just be proud that they're such good Americans. Say a prayer for them every day."
Stover wants family members to understand the daily challenges service men and women face.
"The American public doesn't believe the daily sacrifices. It's not a 9-to-5 job. It's there all the time. Not only does the soldier have to deal with what's going on there every day, but they also have everything going on at home that they can't do anything about.
"I think unfortunately we have become a society where a lot of the values these gentlemen have aren't shared by our society. The integrity. The professionalism. The inability to say no and to walk away. They don't understand a guy just can't pack his bags and come home when he wants to. A lot of the time the issues at home are working on them, too."
chunnell@gannett.com
Originally published June 12, 2006
Duty ... courage ... honor
Unwavering dedication cost Marine more than he could bear
By Carl Hunnell
T-F staff Major Michael D Stover
Back to Top
